What's Holding You Back
When asked what you really want, your first thought is...
I'm drawing a total blank and noticing a hint of anxiety.
I just want my family and friends to be happy. When they’re good, I’m good.
I want the old me back.
I want what we all want! I just want this pandemic/conflict/climate crisis to be over, my job to be less stressful, my kids to be less annoying, my partner to be more supportive, inflation to go back down, the dog to stop peeing inside the house, my body to stop aging in such an obvious way…. I’m not asking for much, I just want things to suck less!
I have a whole lotta ideas... but all the things I want take too long.
I’m SO glad you asked. Let me show you my dream board! On it I have all the things I want to manifest into my life – obviously I want to be successful and happy, but to break it down further, if I’m being really honest, I want a gorgeous home preferably with ocean views and one of those massive kitchen islands with a marble top that makes a great backdrop for perfectly staged Instagram photos; two healthy children and a loving spouse who makes enough money that I can stop working if I choose and who is hot and I have a healthy sex life with; lots of time for travel; time to read, relax, and reinvest in myself including yoga and being in nature more; respect from my peers and to quadruple my followers on social media; a great body because I have enough time to focus on my physical health; and of course, money – not so much that people hate me, but enough that I don’t have to worry.
I already have all the things I thought I wanted – house, family, great job on paper. People genuinely think I have it figured out. Problem is, I’m low-grade depressed and stuck. It’s not that I want out, I just want… to not feel so trapped, like a fraud, a liar, or a ghost in my own life.
There is just ONE thing I want, and it’s really simple. I just need to fix the ONE THING that is broken in my life. Yup, you guessed it, it’s my… (hideous body/ unacceptable past action/problematic relationship with someone/chronic health problem/deep unhealed trauma/worst habit/embarrassing thing I said in seventh grade/decision to become a parent/fill in the blank road block to the happiness that lies on the other side.)
To feel the ground beneath my feet. To inhabit my body. To live in the now. To own where I'm at. To act according to my values. To be resilient and even optimistic about whatever life brings. And when I’m down, to feel like I have some solid coping strategies.
When you observe other people who have the very thing that you want, you immediately think:
They had more opportunities than me. They got it handed to them. They were set up well from the beginning. They had enough money, time, energy, support, and opportunity to achieve what they’ve achieved. If I had all that, sure, maybe I’d be where they are.
They seem to really believe in themselves. It’s delusional and shameless, but hey, it’s how people get ahead in life. If you believe you shit gold, other people will buy it.
It’s probably hollow on the inside anyway.
They took a very clear path to get where they are. All I have to do is follow that path and never stray, and I’ll get there as well.
I should have that too! Let's make it happen ASAP!
I know I’m supposed to say that they are human just like me, and they suffer just like I do. But I’m sorry, I refuse to accept that. Some people are just lucky. They win the golden ticket. There’s no explanation for it, we just have to accept that.
Damn, they must work so hard. I’m tired just thinking about it.
Honestly, they have what I want but I would do it better if I had all those things. Their house is too tacky, their style is trying too hard, their brand is a little on-the-nose, their spouse is stupid, and frankly they aren’t actually that talented? They’re sort of a sell-out. I would want their success and all the fun and happiness in their life – but not at that cost!
They seem to really believe in themselves. They are not conditioned to be ashamed of or fear the same things that I have been conditioned to be ashamed of or fear. What I really want is their ease. I want to belong in my own skin the way they seem to in theirs.
Okay so you have a goal in mind. What’s the biggest reason you haven’t achieved it yet?
I secretly doubt that I can do it. It’s one of those goals I think I should have, but kind of know, deep down, that I’ll never get there. We can’t all be Martha Stewart – and we don’t all want to be. So... yeah. Maybe this isn’t the best quiz for moi?
THERE IS NEVER ENOUGH TIME. I know I’m supposed to prioritize my goals but I have too many other priorities and they always get in the way. I’m very overcommitted.
Terror, pretty much. Okay, I admit it. I don’t even have a goal. I just don’t know where to start. There are too many things to tackle, it’s way too overwhelming. I’m scared that making a change will rock the boat too much. The stakes are too high. I want to cry just thinking about it.
Money. The barrier to entry is always the money. People say you should invest in your own growth but those people don’t know what it’s like to have to worry about a partner who doesn’t contribute enough, or whether they’ll be able to pay their mortgage/rent, or how they’re going to cover the cost of college tuition for their kids someday. I have debts – or I’m just in a constant state of worry about money. It’s on me to make sure others are ok, financially, so I can’t spend money on my goals or take time away from work/ things that could be earning me money.
Actually, I feel very confident I will hit my goal, just as I have hit most of my goals in the past. I have a realistic sense of how long it will take. I’m one of those people who is very motivated by goals ,and they help organize my life. In fact, I nearly always have a goal of one sort or another – something I’m training for, something I’m saving for, something I’m working on building. People who don’t have goals, well… they aren’t going anywhere in life.
I have a billion goals but my top three are along these lines: to read more, to exercise more, and to eat more vegetables. I go in and out of actually doing these things, but when I remember my goals, I try and stick to it for a little while at least. Inevitably, something throws me off my game, I get side-tracked, and then I lose the momentum and it’s over. This is normal, so I don’t feel particularly bad about it. But I also rarely set a truly ambitious goal because it sort of seems pointless!
I’ll tell you what gets in my way. A very specific person. Every. Damn. Time. This person’s needs consume my life and I wish that weren’t the case but I see no way out of it.
I always make some decent progress… but then I generally don’t like how well I’m doing. For instance, I try to lose weight, and I do lose a few pounds, but I still hate how I look. Or I want to create something artistic but it just isn’t up to my own standards. Or I start applying for new jobs but then realize my resume is out of date and that the jobs I’ve been finding are beneath me anyway. Or I want to start a hobby but find that it doesn’t fulfill me in the way I thought it would. Or I want to meet The One but after going on first dates with a bunch of boring people who aren’t my type, I start to wonder if it’s even in the cards for me. I end up back at square one, but it’s not for lack of trying!
Well, I no longer want that goal, exactly. I’m trying to focus on what actually feels like the next right thing, and seeing what I can learn about myself, so I’ve had to revise my goal along the way. The important part is the journey, right?
Literally no idea why I haven’t reached it. Other people have big houses and nice cars and great spouses so why don’t I? Other people have successful careers and sell millions of copies of their bestselling novels, so what is standing in my way? It’s honestly unfair. If I have to listen to another podcast about manifesting my 7-figure business, I will scream.
When you’re embarking on something new, you tend to:
Research it until I’m dead, without ever getting started.
Change my mind repeatedly. I’m already changing my mind about taking this quiz.
Look at everyone else who is doing it, and then spiral into self-loathing and eventually give up.
Move slowly and cautiously. It’s like I’m tiptoeing into a room of sleeping giants… I need to make sure they don’t wake up and notice I’m here.
Dive in like a maniac. I’m always falling in love with a new person or new idea.
Sabotage it immediately.
Panic.
Stick to it – after all, I’m doing it for others. They are counting on me.
Let someone else take the lead for me. I don’t try new things unless it was someone else’s idea, and they are vouching for it. Some may call this latching on; I call this calculated risk!
A mix of planning out the parts that are within my control, and trusting my gut about what’s not. I try to stay open and curious about the process rather than holding on too tightly to the outcome.
Your biggest procrastination tactic is:
Zoning out//numbing out. Why hello, Netflix.
Keeping too busy to think about it. Why hello, laundry. (Besides, does it really count as procrastination if your full-time job is taking care of everyone else?)
Negative thoughts or negative self-talk. This shit is not worth my time… or maybe I’m not worth the time. I would be so much happier if I could just do one simple thing that I said I would do. But I can’t and I suck. Why hello, Debbie Doubter.
Overthinking it. I should really have better goals. What’s so important about goals anyway? Then again, what’s NOT important about goals? What’s the etymology of the word “goal”?
Starting and stopping. This isn’t so bad. Or it wouldn’t be, if I could just stay in the zone. Alas, I do not get a say in when “the zone” happens and when “the zone” is nowhere to be found.
It’s not that I procrastinate – life just throws hurdles at me. If it weren’t for my partner/kids/work situation/health issues/childhood trauma/unexpected disasters, I would have already completed whatever the project is.
My problem is rarely procrastination, it’s the opposite. I get singularly focused on the thing I need to accomplish, and sometimes forget to live life as a result. Hey, you can relax when you’re dead, right?
Usually, it’s because of some fear I haven’t quite worked through yet. Why hello, unconscious conditioning. Once I drill down to the bottom of it, I feel much freer and more motivated to get back at it.
You have almost achieved your goal. You’re THISCLOSE! The first feeling that comes up for you is:
SHRUG. Sure, I guess I’m proud of myself. It really hasn’t been that hard, though! Plenty of people accomplish much more.
Existential angst. Aghh… right before the end is always when things go awry. I can feel how tired I am. This far was good enough, considering. I’m not really a “finisher.” Maybe I’ll just stop now…
Already on to the next. This is all well and good but what am I going to do with my life once I hit this goal? I need to start preparing for the next one, stat!
Gratitude. I was only able to get this far because of all the people who were willing to bend over backwards, the exceptions that were made for me, the extra childcare, the immense privilege that I have, the opportunities that happened to open up just at the right moment. Frankly, I’m also a little grateful that I’m almost done, so I can turn my attention back to the issues and people who matter most.
Confused. Am I being pranked right now? How did they let me get this far? I am probably doing it wrong. I feel happy… ish… until someone finds out this was all some sort of fluke.
Humbled. Now that I’m here, I only realize how much farther I have to go before I can ever really find any worth/meaning/use from this goal. (I’m glad I dropped a pants size but to really look hot I’d need to drop at least two more; or, I’m super happy I got my savings account to $10,000 but it was tough enough getting there – so it’s sure shown me that I’ll probably never be a millionaire!)
Tense AF. If someone ruins this for me now, I will murder them. And by “someone,” you know exactly who I mean.
Disappointed. Really? This is what it’s like on the other side? What am I missing?
Curious. Huh! Truly didn’t know I could do this and now, well, I’m not exactly a transformed human being… but at least I know that I can do it. In the words of Encanto, “what else can I do?”
I don't really care because I've started this NEW thing that's way better...
If you could change ONE thing about your life that would help you move forward, what would it be?
FOCUS. Maybe just put glue on my work chair?
I’d undo a choice I made that I now regret.
I’d alter something about my circumstances – I would give myself more money to work with, or more time, or more support, better health or a different job. I’d have a tough time narrowing it down but it would be something in this vein.
Doctor, do you have time for an elective brain transplant? I am my own worst enemy and I know it.
Someone please set a fire. I need a shockwave to hit me. Something that FORCES me to reckon with things and let go of all I’ve committed to that’s not working. Without urgency, there can be no change.
There’s this one person who would have to change so I could change. In other words, they would need to not need me or stand in my way anymore.
I just need, like, 20% more confidence and 20% fewer distractions.
I’d make myself more efficient so I could achieve more goals more quickly.
I mean, a lot of things would be nice, but I guess I don’t really have to change anything. I think I just need a little nudge or some sort of sign telling me it’s time.
Do you believe transformation is possible for you?
Definitely not. I just am who I am.
In theory maybe, but I’m a realist, so no.
In theory yes, but it’s deeply overwhelming to think of how to get there from here.
Yes!! Can we start by getting me more money and then can we transform my body, face, and all the other stupid things in my life that are not working the way I want them to?
Sure, but you have to be careful. Transformation is a word that can mean just about anything. I don’t want to transform into an elephant or a cult member, ya know? Too many people are throwing this concept around loosely. I’d have to really think about what outcome I wanted.
I wish I could say yes but I’m crying too hard.
Unfortunately, it needs to be. Because I’m at rock bottom right now and it can’t continue this way.
Yes, I admit I'm that sucker who signs up for a new program promising a magical transformation every few months. So far, nada. But I'm still a believer!
Absolutely. We transform all the time. I am a whole different person than I was a year ago, and that’s always how it’s been with me!
Tentatively, yes. I know it will feel uncomfortable and scary but I think I can handle that. What’s that quote from MacBeth? “There’s a special providence in the fall of a sparrow. If it be now, ’tis not to come. If it be not to come, it will be now. If it be not now, yet it will come—the readiness is all.”
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